Real life doesn't fit into little boxes that were drawn for it.

What is real life? Honestly. I think i would define it as pain. Cause it seems like at the end of anything i do is pain. The end of a minute pain, the end of an hour pain, the end of the day pain, end of the week pain, end of the month pain, end of the year pain. I can't take it. I lost four important people this year, my aunt to cancer and my uncle with a heart attack. First was my uncle John Van Sickell on May 27, my girlfriend, my best friend freddy, and most recent my Aunt Gin just yesterday on December 18. I just don't understand it. How can i keep my faith in God when he keeps taking my loved ones although my girlfriend was my own fault.
People keep asking me if i am okay and i keep saying "i dont know." I honestly just don't know how i feel right now. I feel sad. I feel confused. Alone. More than anything i don't want it to be real. I want be nervous on the day before christmas eve telling my girlfriend that she has nothing to worry about that my family is gona love her especially my aunt. I'll tell her not be scared that they are loud may ask to many questions but mean it all in love and friendship that they just do it because they care about me and thats how they show it. Only one girl ever experienced a family dinner with me and my whole family and only one girl ever will but because i was stupid i lost her and nothing can change that. God this hurts. I was outside maybe two hours shoveling the snow and it gave me time to think which is never good cause i think, and think and think and think until i make myself to feel worse.

God this hurts, it really couldn't get much worse, the love we had won't come back.

I miss you uncle John.
and.
I miss you Aunt Gin.
You're loved and not forgotten, not ever.