Cole Retreat Corolla, NC 2014
I just said final goodbyes to my extended family after spending a week with them in Corolla, NC. It's been fantastic getting to know my dads siblings and learning about each of their journeys. My journey wasn't the best.
[Growing up I was extremely guarded with my feelings. Probably a terrible thing that caused massive emotion scaring. I grew up in a home where my "father" ran away from his responsibilities. My mom worked a lot and i didn't see much of her and my great aunt was basically my mother and sadly she passed in 2008, only two years after I graduated high school. My uncle passed a year before that. It was devastating. Always felt like I'd get a step ahead and life would punch me right in the fucking dick.]
Right now I'm a step ahead. I'm almost to a place where I feel comfortable no matter where I am. That home is anyplace I go. That's important to me considering I felt lost pretty much since my aunt died. to summarize when my aunt and uncle died I lost my competitive spirit.
Bonding this week with my family has been an important step for me.
When my father was in the hospital my dad's sister came to visit him and before she left she texted me, "You've become quite a man and I'm proud of you." It felt extremely great to hear that. But at the time with my dad in the hospital I just felt like I should be doing more, like I should've done more to keep him out of the hospital.
BAH!
Whenever I'm in a social atmosphere that I'm not comfortable in I go into passive listening mode. This week I was mostly listening, trying to comprehend what makes a family so special and what it really means to be a man.
There were nights that tensions ran high and the lines blurred between love and hate. A few nights my aunt was out on the deck crying. My dad yelling so loud I yet to understand why. They want control, they all want to be in control of the situation. They all grew up in New Jersey and now I can understand why they all went their separate ways. It's tough for them to be under the same roof, I suppose.
I think in the end everyone is going to walk away from this trip with bigger hearts than they left. I hope that they do this again. It's been a very insightful trip.
Butterflies.
...and saved text messages.
It's funny because reverse psychology does work. Or maybe it was the fact her mood uplifted and felt bad for being mean.
Whatever it is. I went from:
It's funny because reverse psychology does work. Or maybe it was the fact her mood uplifted and felt bad for being mean.
Whatever it is. I went from:
to:
Shoveling snow in less than an hour and a half now.
The Sound before the Overture.
Mad excited for this outing to Space Farms tomorrow.
I have good vibes flowing for me right now, like i am at one with myself. It's pretty good stuff. I will playing video games or watching a movie and this cool wave of intense calm will just fall over me like a tsunami of love.
I lasts for maybe seconds but sometimes i get lost in it. Imagine a tornado and my life is a trailer park being tossed around with a simple ferocity. But no matter where that tornado goes there is always the center of it, the "eye" which is calm. As much as i enjoy being in the "eye" of the storm i am fond of being thrown around like a rag doll. Does that sound strange? I guess it would. The unknown scares me which is probably why i'm living a mediocre stable life. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, if the sun will rise or the ice caps will melt. I can't control those things but what i can control i have worked hard to set that in stone. I hate that part of me. Sometimes i wish i could just drop what i am doing and live off the land. No, not become a farmer but a type of adventurist making due with what i have.
Simple but precarious.
July twelfth is sneaking up like a soft whisper from a lonely bird. I can not wait for Japan. It's just a week but it's also just something i have to do. I expect everything from this trip. I want to find myself.
Stayed up all night, slept in all day. This is my Life.
I can't decide if i like easy days or hard days better, just like i can't decide if i like rainy days or sunny days better.
The main reason i can't decide is because you can't appreciate the sunny days without a few rainy ones. c:
I have no idea where i heard that but once i heard it i knew i loved it. One of the truest things i have heard in a while.
I miss dancing in the rain i haven't done it in a long time now. Next time it rains i am totally going to.
So probably the greatest piece of clothing ever invented is a white v-neck tee. Pretty much just going to wear it for the rest of my life.
This post has no direction it's just kind of all over the place. I haven't had one of these in a while most of them have a certain kind of theme that i stick with...that reminds me i want to use picnik and create a collage of pictures.
This is one of me i really like and i'm going to make it my facebook pic once my other one gets old.
The main reason i can't decide is because you can't appreciate the sunny days without a few rainy ones. c:
I have no idea where i heard that but once i heard it i knew i loved it. One of the truest things i have heard in a while.
I miss dancing in the rain i haven't done it in a long time now. Next time it rains i am totally going to.
So probably the greatest piece of clothing ever invented is a white v-neck tee. Pretty much just going to wear it for the rest of my life.
This post has no direction it's just kind of all over the place. I haven't had one of these in a while most of them have a certain kind of theme that i stick with...that reminds me i want to use picnik and create a collage of pictures.
This is one of me i really like and i'm going to make it my facebook pic once my other one gets old.
Beg for what you steal, and love what you regret.
Daylight Outro (Remix) - Matt & Kim
This is the remix but it's basically as good as the original.
Think of the first choice you have ever had to make. Doesn't have to be a hard choice could be as easy as a choice between toys when you were a kid, just make sure it's a vivid memory.
Now. Would you have made the same choice?
If you're like me than this is one tough question to answer. You want to say no that you made the right choice. But you also want to say yes, because you want to change the future and see how life could change. The thing is the choices we have made, made us. Whether your answer is yes or no, it's just something you have to live with. Just like you have to live with the fact we change and our choice is either to change for better or for worse. I want to be the best person i can be, i work on that everyday and everyday i would like to think i'm slightly better than yesterday.
So i'm challenging you. Can you be better than yesterday?
A dollar a day doesn't keep anything away.
Believe what you hear, see or read?
How about none of those. Everyday i am coming to the conclusion that trust is as easily lost as gained. People just seem to always give me a reason to doubt trusting them.
That word is so scary. A while ago i was in NYC and a man was ranting about how not to trust anyone. At the time he just looked like another crazy person the the subway of NYC, but even if he was crazy he still had his reasons not to trust.
I expect people to keep their word when they tell me something whether it's being someplace at a certain time, keeping good on a promise of keeping a friendship, or the promise of not telling secrets.
I can promise myself i will never tell my secrets to anyone anymore even if it destroys me emotionally.
Trust is something everyone takes for granted. People just have a compulsion to lie, not saying that i'm innocent of this. I have done a fair share of lying in my life. But i would like to say i tell the truth more than i have lied. And not telling the truth is the same as lying. It scares me how people can live with themselves days in and out with having those types of things looming over there heads.
Lessons Learned - MattandKim.
How about none of those. Everyday i am coming to the conclusion that trust is as easily lost as gained. People just seem to always give me a reason to doubt trusting them.
Trust
That word is so scary. A while ago i was in NYC and a man was ranting about how not to trust anyone. At the time he just looked like another crazy person the the subway of NYC, but even if he was crazy he still had his reasons not to trust.
I expect people to keep their word when they tell me something whether it's being someplace at a certain time, keeping good on a promise of keeping a friendship, or the promise of not telling secrets.
I can promise myself i will never tell my secrets to anyone anymore even if it destroys me emotionally.
Trust is something everyone takes for granted. People just have a compulsion to lie, not saying that i'm innocent of this. I have done a fair share of lying in my life. But i would like to say i tell the truth more than i have lied. And not telling the truth is the same as lying. It scares me how people can live with themselves days in and out with having those types of things looming over there heads.
Lessons Learned - MattandKim.
It's every where it's everything.
I'm pretty livid right now. My hands are shaking and my heart is basically beating out of my chest. I don't know how i'm going to calm down. phew.
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Parallel Universe
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Parallel Universe
I never have anytime to blog. i wish i did cause i miss it. i mostly just do twitter now which is blogging to only one hundred and fourty characters. i was against it at first but i like it a lot cause it saves time and its also easier to make friends and contacts since its so portable. add me! i would put my address for the site but i cant from my phone. just search for matthew cole c:
i'm really going to japan. its my dream. if i go...it will make me the happiest i could ever be.
let me know places i should visit!
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MidDay LaserLight Show
I'm reading Nineteen Eighty-Four by a man named George Orwell. I already saw the movie i just want to see which is going to be better. I have never done it like this before. The few times i have done it it was book to movie and every single one of those times the book was beter.
Life has been treating me good, so good i haven't even had time to write any blogs. It seems i was writing when i had a problem with myself or if i had to hide something. Which is strange to say cause most of the stuff i do write talks about my feelings quite openly.
I have discovered a new addiction of mine and i'm not afraid to say it:
Life has been treating me good, so good i haven't even had time to write any blogs. It seems i was writing when i had a problem with myself or if i had to hide something. Which is strange to say cause most of the stuff i do write talks about my feelings quite openly.
I have discovered a new addiction of mine and i'm not afraid to say it:
I'm Matthew W. Cole and I am a social networking whore.
Music saves the soul.
Sigur Ros - Við spilum endalaust - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.
I wish i was the guy playing the piano.
Now, You say you love me.
It's scary hard. Thinking. Dreaming. Loving. Forgiving.
I'm trying to be born again. Showing forgiveness to those who hurt me the most and anyone who else who hurt me. My ex...I miss her. It really hurts. I watched W. tonight. It's a movie about George W. Bush before 9/11. Even when Bush was talking and laying in bed with his wife i missed her. And then my friend sent me a link for a pretty good looking apt. that is for rent and the first thing i thought of was my ex.
Tonight i blocked her as being my facebook friend cause i have been tempted to look at her page to see how she has been doing.
Today my class got canceled so i came home and took a nap before my next class. Right before i fell asleep I thought about outer space and how many people are in this world. I'm just one person and there are so many people in this world how can i make a difference, i can't honestly as one person i am nothing and anything i do is only ever going to be for my benefit.
All i can think to do is help others but then those who i help what effect will it have on them? It is just all one vicious circle.
What do you having going for you? The only thing that i have going for me...is being funny. Not funny to everyone though only the people i feel comfortable around other than those people i am really quiet unless you talk to me first and understand my sense of humor.
I hope this feeling of false hope and insecurity eventually go away until then i will just have to make due.
But thank you to my friends that are there for me right now and you probably don't even know who you are cause i never really say how i feel, even though i always tell the truth.
I'm trying to be born again. Showing forgiveness to those who hurt me the most and anyone who else who hurt me. My ex...I miss her. It really hurts. I watched W. tonight. It's a movie about George W. Bush before 9/11. Even when Bush was talking and laying in bed with his wife i missed her. And then my friend sent me a link for a pretty good looking apt. that is for rent and the first thing i thought of was my ex.
Tonight i blocked her as being my facebook friend cause i have been tempted to look at her page to see how she has been doing.
Today my class got canceled so i came home and took a nap before my next class. Right before i fell asleep I thought about outer space and how many people are in this world. I'm just one person and there are so many people in this world how can i make a difference, i can't honestly as one person i am nothing and anything i do is only ever going to be for my benefit.
All i can think to do is help others but then those who i help what effect will it have on them? It is just all one vicious circle.
What do you having going for you? The only thing that i have going for me...is being funny. Not funny to everyone though only the people i feel comfortable around other than those people i am really quiet unless you talk to me first and understand my sense of humor.
I hope this feeling of false hope and insecurity eventually go away until then i will just have to make due.
But thank you to my friends that are there for me right now and you probably don't even know who you are cause i never really say how i feel, even though i always tell the truth.
Past time, begins.
Here comes the rain again.
I really wish i didn't have to make the hard decision but at this point i only see one answer.
I delivered her the letter and she sends hardly a friend to talk to me about it.
It really is sad that it has come to this Daisy, but i treated you best as i could and you did not return the favor. You just kept playing games, now the game is over, game over and good riddance to you. Hope you and your new friends work out for you cause you used me enough.
I really wish i didn't have to make the hard decision but at this point i only see one answer.
I delivered her the letter and she sends hardly a friend to talk to me about it.
It really is sad that it has come to this Daisy, but i treated you best as i could and you did not return the favor. You just kept playing games, now the game is over, game over and good riddance to you. Hope you and your new friends work out for you cause you used me enough.
The undisirable lovers.
Who cares?
Asking yourself that question truthfully is hard. Most of us don't tell the truth which is why to most people that question is easy, breezy lemon squeezy. In a dishonest world it's utterly impossible to be honest. The honesty is that being dishonest at some point is something that is unavoidable. What matters is in the times that really count you be the type of person you can look back on and admire.
Don't look back thinking how things could have been different, look forward to see how thing are going to be. The wheel comes back around so just give it love and let it come back to you.
Asking yourself that question truthfully is hard. Most of us don't tell the truth which is why to most people that question is easy, breezy lemon squeezy. In a dishonest world it's utterly impossible to be honest. The honesty is that being dishonest at some point is something that is unavoidable. What matters is in the times that really count you be the type of person you can look back on and admire.
Don't look back thinking how things could have been different, look forward to see how thing are going to be. The wheel comes back around so just give it love and let it come back to you.
Pain isn't forever, film is.
This video made me smile, laugh and made my day so i hope it makes yours too.
c:
Vincent Van Gogh, The Starry Night
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In dark dreary suburbia
Lying under swirled sky starry bright
The lights are on but no one’s home
A church upright but unlit
Hidden light for the darkest sins
Wavy hills roll behind
Mixing like intertwined vines
Seemingly beyond
Or before
Rising above into the sky
Stands an object dark and green
Mysterious and unseen
Hoping not to stare
It is apparent what is there
Massive in size
Piercing the sky
Like a looming darkness ready to strike
Its eyes on the; church, still standing tall
The church fears no darkness
No matter what size
No matter on how high it may rise
Indifferent to them the sky you return to
Following the beginning of the strokes
Like a beaten path upon earths back
Through the yellows, greens, pinks, and blues
All these colors
Swimming in conjunction
Above the world
Conjoined with the stars
Everything hidden in the
Night.
Imitate the Real.
Heart's were meant to be broken. Find the person that knows how to keep fixing it for you no matter what happens.
A blank stare just doesn't compare
an easy wave of your hair
a sleeping beauty.
It's hard to just be
there
or
anywhere.
When i look at the sky
and i see what i miss in your eyes.
When it is obvious i cry when you are not at my side.
Can you just let it go?
But hey who knows?
Maybe it's just all a game
of course, i would be the last one to know.
What you said is not something i can forget,
what we had is something that can not be met.
Don't you get. it.
The happiness we left still strides with both our steps.
The forward motion always turning back, Give it one last time before we both do something we really will
Regret.
-MWC
27 more days.
A blank stare just doesn't compare
an easy wave of your hair
a sleeping beauty.
It's hard to just be
there
or
anywhere.
When i look at the sky
and i see what i miss in your eyes.
When it is obvious i cry when you are not at my side.
Can you just let it go?
But hey who knows?
Maybe it's just all a game
of course, i would be the last one to know.
What you said is not something i can forget,
what we had is something that can not be met.
Don't you get. it.
The happiness we left still strides with both our steps.
The forward motion always turning back, Give it one last time before we both do something we really will
Regret.
-MWC
27 more days.
Conceptual love
One month from today.
February 23, 2009
This is going to be a very important day.
What is it like to stare into someones eyes looking for what is not there? It must feel like being trapped inside of a sealed tunnel, slowly it fills up with sand making it hard to walk or run. You think you can see some kind of light creeping out of the darkness but it takes a lot of trying to get there when your running waist deep in sand.
No one ever wants to feel that way. Trapped.
The feeling of love is so hard and blinding i can now see why people think they are in love and they really are not. Love is a trick played by the heart, mind, and body.
The easiest of those three is by far the body. We all know that feeling when you see someone that is good looking with a nice figure and physically love them. But we have grown to see this daily and often so it is easy to walk past them without a word and only a glance.
The second is the mind. The mind is not as easily beaten as the love of the body. Penetrating into the brain to the central love cortex is a powerful weapon. Liking the same things, talking about similar interests, and finishing one anothers sentences is a great. This is the time you start thinking love, dangerous and scary at first.
The third is the heart. The most foul. Worst love to get rid of, best love to be in. Their is no rules to this love. No words to arouse to the likeness. This is an untamed beast. Sure i can give you examples of what people have done but they don't mean anything really because no one in there right mind would copy those types of actions. This love is a creature in itself. A caged monster willing to kill for it's happiness. This is the hardest and as i have seen impossible to break. You wiill find yourself thinking in the middle of the day night morning about it, craving answers like lion craving meat.
I like to say that we all have the moral capacity to love in our own way. We do not.
People in this world are meant to be without love in the sad truth. People in this world are meant to suffer and be alone and be challenged and be humbled by change. People in this world are the median of life and death. To understand people is to understand the existance of creation.
("ohshitt" - you may have realized i didn't go to bed. I had a fone call kinda while i was sleeping but it was important. I see you signned off after we said goodbye but i want to thank you again for chatting you gave some good insight. I was going to give you props but i realized i don't even know your name yet. So tell me cause i am really interested, lol.)
February 23, 2009
This is going to be a very important day.
What is it like to stare into someones eyes looking for what is not there? It must feel like being trapped inside of a sealed tunnel, slowly it fills up with sand making it hard to walk or run. You think you can see some kind of light creeping out of the darkness but it takes a lot of trying to get there when your running waist deep in sand.
No one ever wants to feel that way. Trapped.
The feeling of love is so hard and blinding i can now see why people think they are in love and they really are not. Love is a trick played by the heart, mind, and body.
The easiest of those three is by far the body. We all know that feeling when you see someone that is good looking with a nice figure and physically love them. But we have grown to see this daily and often so it is easy to walk past them without a word and only a glance.
The second is the mind. The mind is not as easily beaten as the love of the body. Penetrating into the brain to the central love cortex is a powerful weapon. Liking the same things, talking about similar interests, and finishing one anothers sentences is a great. This is the time you start thinking love, dangerous and scary at first.
The third is the heart. The most foul. Worst love to get rid of, best love to be in. Their is no rules to this love. No words to arouse to the likeness. This is an untamed beast. Sure i can give you examples of what people have done but they don't mean anything really because no one in there right mind would copy those types of actions. This love is a creature in itself. A caged monster willing to kill for it's happiness. This is the hardest and as i have seen impossible to break. You wiill find yourself thinking in the middle of the day night morning about it, craving answers like lion craving meat.
I like to say that we all have the moral capacity to love in our own way. We do not.
People in this world are meant to be without love in the sad truth. People in this world are meant to suffer and be alone and be challenged and be humbled by change. People in this world are the median of life and death. To understand people is to understand the existance of creation.
("ohshitt" - you may have realized i didn't go to bed. I had a fone call kinda while i was sleeping but it was important. I see you signned off after we said goodbye but i want to thank you again for chatting you gave some good insight. I was going to give you props but i realized i don't even know your name yet. So tell me cause i am really interested, lol.)
To gangster for love.
How can something be timeless?
I just feel like with time everything i know will change no exceptions. It will change physically, emotionally, or mentally. Even diamonds. They may not change physically but i bet the how you look at them and feel about them will change over time.
Life has a really funny sense of humor. It maybe cruel, cynical, unforgiving but it has a sense of humor. You may have to look for it but it is definitely right in front of your eyes. At my job which is a supermarket they hire people left and right and maybe a week ago they hired a girl that i would not have expected to see working there in my entire life. Jennifer De Santo. It is hard to form the words to explain how she is, you may really have to just know her and what she has done in this life as a human being. It is going to be funny to see how it will turn out because unless i am forced to talk to her through some type of work activity i will be pretending that she does not exist and i am sure she will be doing the same thing. The other funny thing about this is, the reason i have a problem with her is because of what happened with my ex and i do not even talk to my ex any longer although i had to tell her about the infamous Jen now working at my place. We talked for a little while until her phone died and she suggested that we get together to catch up. The only reason because i did not talk to her anymore was because of the fact she would always have a reason that we could not hangout or could never find the time to hangout. When my uncle died and my second ex broke up with her and she was not there for me when i needed her so one day when i plans to hangout with her i asked her if we were stilll hanging out but she said gave a reason why not and told me that she was really getting pissed off at me. I did not talk to her after that for a good four months and now this girl is working with me. Life is just funny in a way by these circumstances.
So being a vegan is bitching hard and i give all those vegans courtesy for staying stong because vegan is no small task. I really think everyone should try to be vegan for a while just to see how hard it is.
I think i am not going to have sex or hook up with any girls until i find the girl i really want to marry. Since hook up is thrown around a lot i will explain futher: no oral, no handjobs or fingering. Dry humping is okay but that is it.
Don't ask me why i am doing these things...in honest i don't really know. I tell people it's because i want to be an all around better person...but it's not really that. I just feel like something is guiding me silently telling me to do this. Is that crazy sometimes i think it is.
I just feel like with time everything i know will change no exceptions. It will change physically, emotionally, or mentally. Even diamonds. They may not change physically but i bet the how you look at them and feel about them will change over time.
Life has a really funny sense of humor. It maybe cruel, cynical, unforgiving but it has a sense of humor. You may have to look for it but it is definitely right in front of your eyes. At my job which is a supermarket they hire people left and right and maybe a week ago they hired a girl that i would not have expected to see working there in my entire life. Jennifer De Santo. It is hard to form the words to explain how she is, you may really have to just know her and what she has done in this life as a human being. It is going to be funny to see how it will turn out because unless i am forced to talk to her through some type of work activity i will be pretending that she does not exist and i am sure she will be doing the same thing. The other funny thing about this is, the reason i have a problem with her is because of what happened with my ex and i do not even talk to my ex any longer although i had to tell her about the infamous Jen now working at my place. We talked for a little while until her phone died and she suggested that we get together to catch up. The only reason because i did not talk to her anymore was because of the fact she would always have a reason that we could not hangout or could never find the time to hangout. When my uncle died and my second ex broke up with her and she was not there for me when i needed her so one day when i plans to hangout with her i asked her if we were stilll hanging out but she said gave a reason why not and told me that she was really getting pissed off at me. I did not talk to her after that for a good four months and now this girl is working with me. Life is just funny in a way by these circumstances.
So being a vegan is bitching hard and i give all those vegans courtesy for staying stong because vegan is no small task. I really think everyone should try to be vegan for a while just to see how hard it is.
I think i am not going to have sex or hook up with any girls until i find the girl i really want to marry. Since hook up is thrown around a lot i will explain futher: no oral, no handjobs or fingering. Dry humping is okay but that is it.
Don't ask me why i am doing these things...in honest i don't really know. I tell people it's because i want to be an all around better person...but it's not really that. I just feel like something is guiding me silently telling me to do this. Is that crazy sometimes i think it is.
It is so hard to be your own person in todays world. I want to thank all those who be themselves even in the face of peer pressure or any pressure. You all are my heroes and i hope one day all those people who 
are followers can be just like you.
are followers can be just like you.change your mind
Break the glass
break the door
break the hearts
break the faces
smash glass in the face of all those who doubt the progress
of love
break the door
break the hearts
break the faces
smash glass in the face of all those who doubt the progress
of love
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