I just said final goodbyes to my extended family after spending a week with them in Corolla, NC. It's been fantastic getting to know my dads siblings and learning about each of their journeys. My journey wasn't the best.
[Growing up I was extremely guarded with my feelings. Probably a terrible thing that caused massive emotion scaring. I grew up in a home where my "father" ran away from his responsibilities. My mom worked a lot and i didn't see much of her and my great aunt was basically my mother and sadly she passed in 2008, only two years after I graduated high school. My uncle passed a year before that. It was devastating. Always felt like I'd get a step ahead and life would punch me right in the fucking dick.]
Right now I'm a step ahead. I'm almost to a place where I feel comfortable no matter where I am. That home is anyplace I go. That's important to me considering I felt lost pretty much since my aunt died. to summarize when my aunt and uncle died I lost my competitive spirit.
Bonding this week with my family has been an important step for me.
When my father was in the hospital my dad's sister came to visit him and before she left she texted me, "You've become quite a man and I'm proud of you." It felt extremely great to hear that. But at the time with my dad in the hospital I just felt like I should be doing more, like I should've done more to keep him out of the hospital.
BAH!
Whenever I'm in a social atmosphere that I'm not comfortable in I go into passive listening mode. This week I was mostly listening, trying to comprehend what makes a family so special and what it really means to be a man.
There were nights that tensions ran high and the lines blurred between love and hate. A few nights my aunt was out on the deck crying. My dad yelling so loud I yet to understand why. They want control, they all want to be in control of the situation. They all grew up in New Jersey and now I can understand why they all went their separate ways. It's tough for them to be under the same roof, I suppose.
I think in the end everyone is going to walk away from this trip with bigger hearts than they left. I hope that they do this again. It's been a very insightful trip.
No comments:
Post a Comment